For the sake of said follower who I actually don't know IRL, I decided to try to keep up with this blog a little more diligently than I have been. The only issue is that I really don't have anything to write about, because my life is boring as shit. Seriously, it's a boring as watching shit fall out of someone's ass.
That was really graphic and disgusting but who the fuck am I trying to impress?
What's new with me, you ask? Well, I'm going to college. More specifically, I'm going to HONORS college. That's apparently different from regular college. I get to live in a dorm with other people who are so, so much smarter than me and feel even worse about my sub-par intelligence than I already do. Should be fun.
You know what's not fun? The infamous roommate search. I thought I would just have to fill out a housing application and they would stick me with a creepy lesbian or kleptomaniac or compulsive arsonist and I would have to deal with it like any other college student, but NO. They made me sign up for some fucking ridiculous Facebook app that's supposed to match me with people who would make good roommate material, but so far I've gotten nothing but Athletic Training majors, scary black ladies and, inexplicably, a gay crossdresser. It has not been a pleasant experience so far.
I can't do high school anymore. It's a struggle just to wake up every morning. I once told my Best Friend #2 that I wanted nothing more than to sleep forever, to which he replied, "But Heather, that's suicide." I tried to explain that it was totally different but he just doesn't understand. I wouldn't be dead. Just asleep. Forever.
On a totally unrelated note, I've recently become a huge fan of Kid Cudi. I couldn't tell you why, but I will say that he is literally the only attractive black man that I've ever seen, and that certainly helps. I mean, look at this. Just LOOK AT IT: http://netstorage.metrolyrics.com/artists/large/1228333060/kid-cudi-NEW-YORK-NY-FEBRUARY-12-Rapper-Kid-Cudi-attends-the-Band-of-O-109034640.jpg
AND NOW LOOK AT THIS: http://media.prefixmag.com/site_media/uploads/images/artists/k/kid-cudi/kid-cudi-close_jpg_640x420_crop-smart_q85.jpg
That, my friends, is a beautiful man.
[Conclusion]
Monday, April 30, 2012
Monday, August 8, 2011
My grandmother went to Wilmington with a suitcase and came back with a giant urn.
What up, broskies? I apologize sincerely for the lack of blogs lately; there just hasn't been ANYTHING interesting to write about. Luckily for you, however, I just returned from a one week trip to the Windy City! Well, the suburbs of the Windy City (same difference, if you ask me). While the trip itself wasn't all that exciting, the six hours total I spent in RDU/O'Hare International Airports gave me plenty of time to make lists of all the things I hate about "airport people". Therefore, I will now proceed to type that list out here, for you all to enjoy.
Things I Hate About Airports:
1) Blatantly overpriced airport food.
2) People who walk on the wrong side of the terminal. Come on. Really?
3) People who don't understand that moving walkways ARE FOR WALKING.
4) Family members who insist on accompanying you to the gate, even though you've been doing this by yourself since you were eleven.
5) Family members who won't leave you alone when you're obviously very absorbed in your Game Of Thrones book.
6) Family members who still won't leave you alone after you've done nothing but grunt and give them the evil eye for the last twenty minutes.
7) Family members who STILL WON'T FUCKING LEAVE YOU ALONE after you've started ignoring them completely.
8) People who throw hissy fits when the flight attendant asks them, very politely, to check and see if their carry-on fits in the bag sizer.
9) People who buy extra tickets, just so that the seats around them will be empty.
10) Babies.
Wow, it's really convenient that this list turned out to have ten items. I didn't even plan it that way. It must be a sign, like from Jesus, or Goku.
Things I Hate About Airports:
1) Blatantly overpriced airport food.
2) People who walk on the wrong side of the terminal. Come on. Really?
3) People who don't understand that moving walkways ARE FOR WALKING.
4) Family members who insist on accompanying you to the gate, even though you've been doing this by yourself since you were eleven.
5) Family members who won't leave you alone when you're obviously very absorbed in your Game Of Thrones book.
6) Family members who still won't leave you alone after you've done nothing but grunt and give them the evil eye for the last twenty minutes.
7) Family members who STILL WON'T FUCKING LEAVE YOU ALONE after you've started ignoring them completely.
8) People who throw hissy fits when the flight attendant asks them, very politely, to check and see if their carry-on fits in the bag sizer.
9) People who buy extra tickets, just so that the seats around them will be empty.
10) Babies.
Wow, it's really convenient that this list turned out to have ten items. I didn't even plan it that way. It must be a sign, like from Jesus, or Goku.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
When I was younger, I thought that Isabella and Lizze McGuire from the Lizzie McGuire Movie were played by two different people.
Does anyone else think it's weird that the fish in Mass Effect 2 need to be fed like EVERY FUCKING HOUR, but the space hamster never needs to eat anything? Every time I ask someone this question, they just look at me weird and walk away. One of my friends even said, "Because it's a SPACE HAMSTER, Heather. It probably lives off, like... SPACE."
Okay, for one thing, that's just ridiculous. How could any living creature live off SPACE? It's just not logical. Another of my friends went so far as to say, "I dunno... they probably just eat the same thing as regular hamsters." That is also completely illogical. A space hamster has a totally different genetic makeup than a regular hamster, otherwise the distinction wouldn't be made in the first place. Chances are, regular hamster food would seriously fuck up the space hamster's digestive track. And that would be sad. No one wants to walk into their Captain's Quarters and have to dispose of a half-rotted rodent corpse. That's just nasty.
I suspect that this obsession with finding out what space hamsters eat stemmed from my rage at having to clean the dead fish out of my fish tank. Twice. I can't even remember to turn the oven off after I make a frozen pizza, and those tools over at Bioware expect me to feed my FISH every time I board the Normandy? I have more important things to worry about. Like the safety of the entire fucking GALAXY, breh.
I'm really glad that I have this blog, because I can just imagine what sort of things will go through my head when I look back at it again twenty years from now.
Okay, for one thing, that's just ridiculous. How could any living creature live off SPACE? It's just not logical. Another of my friends went so far as to say, "I dunno... they probably just eat the same thing as regular hamsters." That is also completely illogical. A space hamster has a totally different genetic makeup than a regular hamster, otherwise the distinction wouldn't be made in the first place. Chances are, regular hamster food would seriously fuck up the space hamster's digestive track. And that would be sad. No one wants to walk into their Captain's Quarters and have to dispose of a half-rotted rodent corpse. That's just nasty.
I suspect that this obsession with finding out what space hamsters eat stemmed from my rage at having to clean the dead fish out of my fish tank. Twice. I can't even remember to turn the oven off after I make a frozen pizza, and those tools over at Bioware expect me to feed my FISH every time I board the Normandy? I have more important things to worry about. Like the safety of the entire fucking GALAXY, breh.
I'm really glad that I have this blog, because I can just imagine what sort of things will go through my head when I look back at it again twenty years from now.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Mari-ja-wana Is Bad
I'm sorry, Ashley, but this is just too good not to post.
A couple of weeks ago, my good friend, Ashley, got her wisdom teeth taken out, and you all know what that means. Unlimited quantities of all those drugs that are normally illegal! And let me tell you, she hit the illicit drug jackpot. I got stuck with plain old Vicodin when I got mine out, but darling Ashley was lucky enough to score a prescription for Codeine! Exciting, no? Well, not when you're Ashley, as can be proven by the following text conversation... I should also mention that the first message was sent the night before she took the Codeine for the first time, and pertained to some RJ Berger clip that I never got around to watching. I was of course suspicious, as every other time she had sent me something resembling that, it was a link to the music video for "Buddy Holly" by Weezer. It's how she Rick Rolls me. But, anyway...
--------------------
Ashley: Check you facebook e-mail ASAP. You won't believe it. I don't believe it. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me: Ashley, I swear to God, if I check my messages and you've sent me the Buddy Holly video again, I'm gonna have to shank you.
A: Is not. I sen it to Katie tu and she lovd it. guss what? im on coedine and im dizzy. now i kno why people sell it as drugss. but no budd holly. promise. hi! :)
M: Oh, wow. I'm going to save that message forever. It will bring us laughs for years to come.
A: why?
M: Never mind. Gotta get me some of that Codeine, though...
A: its werd. i hugged the incubater earlier. i gess im escited about hatchding ducks?
M: Have they hatched already? I wouldn't recommend hugging the ducks themselves. They might not like that too much.
A: theyve only been theyre for thr3 days. they wont hach for 20something more. its just egs.
M: Oh. What are you going to name them?
A: cant tellem part when treir born. or when there grown. im hoping we can get colorful bands for thems feet. then we can ientify then and names would be good. but also thers goona be lots of them cause we have 3 dosen eggs. they wont all hatch but hopefull a lot.
M: That's a good idea. Then you could take them for walks and everything!
A: i dun thinkg they would do that. plus if they try 2 flie. and when they growed. it mighkt hurt themd.
M: Good point. I think it would be cool to be a duck. Don't you?
A: id like to fly. and duckies are cuut. but i think your trying to get some funny stuff out om me being highish. cleber. but not enough.
M: Oh, it definitely IS enough, love XD
A: what IS?
M: Don't worry about it. How are you feeling?
A: my face hurts. an is swollen. an i have only eten jello. i miss meat. i really want ckicken right now. nomnom.
A: HOW ARE YOU FEELING? <---(this is part of an inside joke that will be explained once I get done typing all this)
M: XD Has Philip texted you at all since you shut him down?
A: not :) once :) since :) that :) othr :) day :). i :) cant :) say :) i :) mind :). did :) i :) put :) enough :) faces :) so :) you :) know :) im :) liking :) you :)? i :) could :) propose :) if :) you :) dint :) get :) the :) point :). <---(part of the same inside joke)
M: You haven't invited me to come see you folk/rock/pop/polka band perform yet! <---(still part of that inside joke)
A: iknow. but im sleepy.
M: Awwww. Are you gonna go to bed now?
A: maybe. i kinda am in bed. im watching a true life about homeless people. i think the medcinde is making me sleepy. thats part of what itdoes.
M: Yeah, I've heard that.
A: its a boring show.
A: uh huh. (WTF?)
M: Really? I would think you would love it, seeing how much you care about homeless people.
A: suddup.
A: there hmoleess but the girl can still aford to somke 2 cigartees at once?
M: I guess that's what homeless people do with the money we give them.
A: Dummies..
--------------------
And so ends Ashley's Grande Ole' Codeine-Induced Adventure, Part II (Part I involved her sending Eye Vay a text message that just said "frozen rear"). We had quite a bit of fun at poor Ashley's expense that day. So much, in fact, that she refuses to read over the messages she sent me!
Now, I feel obligated to explain the "Philip Situation". In short, Philip is this guy that goes to our school who one day decided that he had the hots for Ashley. Keep in mind, they had never had a conversation before he informed Eye Vay of his infatuation, and knew absolutely nothing about each other. Zilch. Zero. Nihil. So, they texted pretty much every day (his choice, not hers), but eventually, Ashley decided she couldn't take it anymore. She had no interest in him, and plus, a girl can only spend so much time talking with a guy about nothing but physical therapy, Frank Turner, and his misguided dreams of becoming a famous folk musician. So, she cut him loose, and we spent a brief (but highly amusing) period of time making fun of him mercilessly behind his back about his lack of interesting talking points and excessive use of the smiley face.
Pax ex, breh.
A couple of weeks ago, my good friend, Ashley, got her wisdom teeth taken out, and you all know what that means. Unlimited quantities of all those drugs that are normally illegal! And let me tell you, she hit the illicit drug jackpot. I got stuck with plain old Vicodin when I got mine out, but darling Ashley was lucky enough to score a prescription for Codeine! Exciting, no? Well, not when you're Ashley, as can be proven by the following text conversation... I should also mention that the first message was sent the night before she took the Codeine for the first time, and pertained to some RJ Berger clip that I never got around to watching. I was of course suspicious, as every other time she had sent me something resembling that, it was a link to the music video for "Buddy Holly" by Weezer. It's how she Rick Rolls me. But, anyway...
--------------------
Ashley: Check you facebook e-mail ASAP. You won't believe it. I don't believe it. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me: Ashley, I swear to God, if I check my messages and you've sent me the Buddy Holly video again, I'm gonna have to shank you.
A: Is not. I sen it to Katie tu and she lovd it. guss what? im on coedine and im dizzy. now i kno why people sell it as drugss. but no budd holly. promise. hi! :)
M: Oh, wow. I'm going to save that message forever. It will bring us laughs for years to come.
A: why?
M: Never mind. Gotta get me some of that Codeine, though...
A: its werd. i hugged the incubater earlier. i gess im escited about hatchding ducks?
M: Have they hatched already? I wouldn't recommend hugging the ducks themselves. They might not like that too much.
A: theyve only been theyre for thr3 days. they wont hach for 20something more. its just egs.
M: Oh. What are you going to name them?
A: cant tellem part when treir born. or when there grown. im hoping we can get colorful bands for thems feet. then we can ientify then and names would be good. but also thers goona be lots of them cause we have 3 dosen eggs. they wont all hatch but hopefull a lot.
M: That's a good idea. Then you could take them for walks and everything!
A: i dun thinkg they would do that. plus if they try 2 flie. and when they growed. it mighkt hurt themd.
M: Good point. I think it would be cool to be a duck. Don't you?
A: id like to fly. and duckies are cuut. but i think your trying to get some funny stuff out om me being highish. cleber. but not enough.
M: Oh, it definitely IS enough, love XD
A: what IS?
M: Don't worry about it. How are you feeling?
A: my face hurts. an is swollen. an i have only eten jello. i miss meat. i really want ckicken right now. nomnom.
A: HOW ARE YOU FEELING? <---(this is part of an inside joke that will be explained once I get done typing all this)
M: XD Has Philip texted you at all since you shut him down?
A: not :) once :) since :) that :) othr :) day :). i :) cant :) say :) i :) mind :). did :) i :) put :) enough :) faces :) so :) you :) know :) im :) liking :) you :)? i :) could :) propose :) if :) you :) dint :) get :) the :) point :). <---(part of the same inside joke)
M: You haven't invited me to come see you folk/rock/pop/polka band perform yet! <---(still part of that inside joke)
A: iknow. but im sleepy.
M: Awwww. Are you gonna go to bed now?
A: maybe. i kinda am in bed. im watching a true life about homeless people. i think the medcinde is making me sleepy. thats part of what itdoes.
M: Yeah, I've heard that.
A: its a boring show.
A: uh huh. (WTF?)
M: Really? I would think you would love it, seeing how much you care about homeless people.
A: suddup.
A: there hmoleess but the girl can still aford to somke 2 cigartees at once?
M: I guess that's what homeless people do with the money we give them.
A: Dummies..
--------------------
And so ends Ashley's Grande Ole' Codeine-Induced Adventure, Part II (Part I involved her sending Eye Vay a text message that just said "frozen rear"). We had quite a bit of fun at poor Ashley's expense that day. So much, in fact, that she refuses to read over the messages she sent me!
Now, I feel obligated to explain the "Philip Situation". In short, Philip is this guy that goes to our school who one day decided that he had the hots for Ashley. Keep in mind, they had never had a conversation before he informed Eye Vay of his infatuation, and knew absolutely nothing about each other. Zilch. Zero. Nihil. So, they texted pretty much every day (his choice, not hers), but eventually, Ashley decided she couldn't take it anymore. She had no interest in him, and plus, a girl can only spend so much time talking with a guy about nothing but physical therapy, Frank Turner, and his misguided dreams of becoming a famous folk musician. So, she cut him loose, and we spent a brief (but highly amusing) period of time making fun of him mercilessly behind his back about his lack of interesting talking points and excessive use of the smiley face.
Pax ex, breh.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I'm Going To Try To Get Through This Whole Post Without Cursing, But Instead Using Ridiculous Substitutes For Curse Words. What Can I Say? I Grow Bored With My Day To Day Life.
I went to Harris Teeter today, as I always do when I get hungry and I don't feel like eating yet another of my dad's Totino's Party Pizzas. Since I have no money, however, I am limited to raiding the free sample dome things in the Deli section of the store and consuming them quickly, so as not to draw any more attention to myself than is necessary. I think the people there are onto me. I've been getting suspicious looks from Harry, the turkey guy. I'd better start being more careful. Harry's good friends with my grandparents.
Has anyone else noticed that approximately 86.75309% of the blogs on this site are written by mothers who think the rest of the world gives a flying fadoodle about their kids? News flash, mommykins: We don't! Fo' surrius, yo. If anyone else out there really, truly cares about the day to day lives of these peoples' little buckstabus, speak now, and I swear I will shut the fafsa up. Jesus Christ. People read blogs to GET AWAY from the things in their lives that suck bull bombardier, i.e. THEIR FIREFOXIN' KIDS!
I kind of like that, actually. I might start using "firefoxin'" in conversation. It's not like I could get much nerdier in my friends' eyes, anyway. Gondolagadzooks, I am pathetic...
Of course, the one blog that I found that WAS worth reading (http://www.twostarreviews.blogspot.com) I couldn't even follow. I spent twenty minutes looking for the dillardellin' "Follow" button, only to be forced to conclude that there was none. FML (Foxnews my life).
I need to stop now. My brain hurts from coming up with all those creative anti-swear words. It was somewhat amusing, though. I might start doing it more often.
Has anyone else noticed that approximately 86.75309% of the blogs on this site are written by mothers who think the rest of the world gives a flying fadoodle about their kids? News flash, mommykins: We don't! Fo' surrius, yo. If anyone else out there really, truly cares about the day to day lives of these peoples' little buckstabus, speak now, and I swear I will shut the fafsa up. Jesus Christ. People read blogs to GET AWAY from the things in their lives that suck bull bombardier, i.e. THEIR FIREFOXIN' KIDS!
I kind of like that, actually. I might start using "firefoxin'" in conversation. It's not like I could get much nerdier in my friends' eyes, anyway. Gondolagadzooks, I am pathetic...
Of course, the one blog that I found that WAS worth reading (http://www.twostarreviews.blogspot.com) I couldn't even follow. I spent twenty minutes looking for the dillardellin' "Follow" button, only to be forced to conclude that there was none. FML (Foxnews my life).
I need to stop now. My brain hurts from coming up with all those creative anti-swear words. It was somewhat amusing, though. I might start doing it more often.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Ivy, Don't Read This Yet. I Want To Be Able To Read It Out Loud To You Tomorrow. I'll Do Voices And Everything. It'll Be Grand.
I have decided to compose this blog post to inform you all that my attic now has a floor. Hallelujah! That's all. You can leave now.
Just kidding. Don't leave quite yet. Before we had the floor in the attic redone, we had to bring everything (and by "everything", I mean about twenty years worth of broken furniture, pre-school art projects, and dead cockroaches) into the garage and sort through it all. Initially, I was none too inclined to look through anything, as there was a four hour marathon of America's Next Top Model on Oxygen that I just HAD to watch, but once I started finding stories I had written in elementary school, things started to look up.
Let 's just say that I was a literary genius back in 2005, and to prove it to all of you, I will proceed to share one of the stories I found, entitled "The Maiden and the Midget".
--------------------
"The Maiden and the Midget"
A short story by Heather Alfano
Grade 5
Not long ago, in a not-so-faraway land, there was a beautiful maiden by the name of Claudia. Now, Claudia wasn't one of the usual "Someday my Prince will come" maidens that you usually find in those love-dovey fairy tales. No sir-ey. Claudia was more of the motorcycle-owning type. She worked for twenty hours a day at the Auto-Stop for very little money. But, let's get back to the actual story here.
Well, even though Claudia was sort-of kind-of a tomboy, she still loved a prince... Okay, maybe he wasn't a prince, but he was still important! Actually, he was the owner of the top-notch business, "Busy-Business", a company that sold almost any item in the universe, and his name was Dante. To almost every lady in the land, he had the most striking features they had ever seen. "I must think of a way to make him love me," Claudia thought every night when she jumped off her motorcycle, laid in bed, and went to sleep, and in her dreams, she thought of a plan.
Claudia's plan was quite simple, really. All she had to do was sneak into Dante's mansion, write her name at the top of his "Dante's List to Marry" list, and be on her way. And that's just what she did. Lucky for her, all of Dante's guards had mysteriously passed out, so she got in, wrote her name, and got out with no problem. Unfortunately, she didn't know that there was a catch...
"Hear ye, hear ye," bellowed Dante's assistant, James Rosson. "Dante has made a very important decision that may change his life forever!"
The people gasped. What could be so important that Dante couldn't tell them himself? It so happened that at the booming of James' voice, Claudia had rushed outside to see what the ruckus was.
"What is the announcement?" a little girl, Lauren Perkins, asked.
"Oh, right," James said. "Ahem. Dante... has chosen a wife!"
The people gasped again. Who could it be? There was silence.
"Aren't you going to tell us who it is, then?" and old man, Eli Radish, asked.
"He's not... but I am!" said a deep voice.
It was Dante! But, where was his voice coming from? The people looked around in confusion.
"Up here, you fools!" came Dante's voice again.
The all looked up. "When did we get an intercom system?" Ally Jackachetto, an old woman, asked.
"It was just installed last night," replied James.
"Hey, wait a minute," Eli said. "Why is James still in this story? I thought he left for Europe in the last paragraph!" (James leaves)
"Who is it?!" everyone yelled at the intercom system carrying Dante's voice.
By now, Claudia knew who it was. "Her name is..." he began, "Claudia Zlanskywan! Or at least, I think that's how you say it."
Claudia was so happy that she didn't even care that he said her last name wrong. She didn't bother telling him it was "Swanslykan" not "Zlanskywan".
"Why are you all so happy?" demanded Dante. "You know the catch. Before this Claudia can marry me, she must find and bring me something!"
Claudia was bamboozled. She didn't remember ever hearing that rule. "She must bring me... A MIDGET!" he bellowed.
"A midget?" exclaimed Claudia in confusion.
"Yes, a midget," Dante replied. So Claudia set off on her motorcycle in search of a midget.
Oddly enough, she did find a midget, somewhere between Alabama and California. Of course, there was a catch.
"Uh uh. No way," said the midget when Claudia asked him to go with her to Dante.
"Please, little midget! Come with me! I'm desperate!" begged Claudia.
"Tell you what," said the midget. "Ill go with you if you give me your first wedding dress." Claudia thought about it for a moment, then replied, "Deal."
When Claudia and the midget arrived at the town, everyone cheered and wedding bells began to ring.
"I knew you would come through, my dear, dear Claudia," said Dante when she presented him with the midget. So two of Dante's employees, Hannie Shruggs and Vivaniy Tigue, helped Claudia slip into her bright, lime green wedding dress. Of course, she didn't forget her promise to the midget (who was now living in the lounge of "Busy-Business") and gave him the dress.
(Several years later) Claudia and Dante were living very happily together. "My dear Claudia," Dante said one sunny day. "Surely after watching my magical weavers all these years, you have learned how to spin sausage out grass". He didn't wait for her answer. "Of course you have! Anyway, I wish for you to spin me three dozen sausage links!"
Claudia didn't want to disappoint Dante by telling him that she wasn't really paying attention to his weavers, so she agreed. And she knew just who to go to for help.
"Uh uh. No way," the midget replied when Claudia asked for help.
"Well, why not?" she demanded. "Do you even know how to spin sausage out of grass?"
"Of course I do!" the midget answered. "I've been paying attention!" But when he saw the pleading look on Claudia's face, he sighed and said, "Alright, if you can guess my name in one day on three tries, I will spin the sausage. But, you have to guess it first."
A couple minutes later, when Claudia was trying to think of a name, she heard a strange sound and saw a bright light coming from a nearby cave. It was the midget! And he was singing a funny tune!
"Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, isn't that a grand old name? Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, my name will always be the same!"
Claudia's heart was filled with joy! She hurried back to her home to wait for Marplekiltskin the midget to get back.
When the midget arrived back home and found out that Claudia knew his name, he was dumbfounded! But, a promise is a promise, so the midget spent the rest of the day weaving grass into sausage.
So everyone (except Marplekiltskin) lived happily ever after.
THE END
--------------------
On a totally unrelated note, I GOT DRAGON AGE II FOR MAH BIRTHDAY, BEYOTCH! And then, my Xbox died, for good this time. So, we ordered a new one, but when it came, we found out that it doesn't support the hard drive from our old one. RAAAAAAAAAAAEG!!! So now, we have to get a new hard drive AND a transfer cable if we are to have any hope of not losing everything we've worked for over the past four years. I'm not giving up on my level 28 Kajiit Bard so easily.
I'm onto you, Microsoft. I don't know what I'm onto exactly... But I'm onto you.
Just kidding. Don't leave quite yet. Before we had the floor in the attic redone, we had to bring everything (and by "everything", I mean about twenty years worth of broken furniture, pre-school art projects, and dead cockroaches) into the garage and sort through it all. Initially, I was none too inclined to look through anything, as there was a four hour marathon of America's Next Top Model on Oxygen that I just HAD to watch, but once I started finding stories I had written in elementary school, things started to look up.
Let 's just say that I was a literary genius back in 2005, and to prove it to all of you, I will proceed to share one of the stories I found, entitled "The Maiden and the Midget".
--------------------
"The Maiden and the Midget"
A short story by Heather Alfano
Grade 5
Not long ago, in a not-so-faraway land, there was a beautiful maiden by the name of Claudia. Now, Claudia wasn't one of the usual "Someday my Prince will come" maidens that you usually find in those love-dovey fairy tales. No sir-ey. Claudia was more of the motorcycle-owning type. She worked for twenty hours a day at the Auto-Stop for very little money. But, let's get back to the actual story here.
Well, even though Claudia was sort-of kind-of a tomboy, she still loved a prince... Okay, maybe he wasn't a prince, but he was still important! Actually, he was the owner of the top-notch business, "Busy-Business", a company that sold almost any item in the universe, and his name was Dante. To almost every lady in the land, he had the most striking features they had ever seen. "I must think of a way to make him love me," Claudia thought every night when she jumped off her motorcycle, laid in bed, and went to sleep, and in her dreams, she thought of a plan.
Claudia's plan was quite simple, really. All she had to do was sneak into Dante's mansion, write her name at the top of his "Dante's List to Marry" list, and be on her way. And that's just what she did. Lucky for her, all of Dante's guards had mysteriously passed out, so she got in, wrote her name, and got out with no problem. Unfortunately, she didn't know that there was a catch...
"Hear ye, hear ye," bellowed Dante's assistant, James Rosson. "Dante has made a very important decision that may change his life forever!"
The people gasped. What could be so important that Dante couldn't tell them himself? It so happened that at the booming of James' voice, Claudia had rushed outside to see what the ruckus was.
"What is the announcement?" a little girl, Lauren Perkins, asked.
"Oh, right," James said. "Ahem. Dante... has chosen a wife!"
The people gasped again. Who could it be? There was silence.
"Aren't you going to tell us who it is, then?" and old man, Eli Radish, asked.
"He's not... but I am!" said a deep voice.
It was Dante! But, where was his voice coming from? The people looked around in confusion.
"Up here, you fools!" came Dante's voice again.
The all looked up. "When did we get an intercom system?" Ally Jackachetto, an old woman, asked.
"It was just installed last night," replied James.
"Hey, wait a minute," Eli said. "Why is James still in this story? I thought he left for Europe in the last paragraph!" (James leaves)
"Who is it?!" everyone yelled at the intercom system carrying Dante's voice.
By now, Claudia knew who it was. "Her name is..." he began, "Claudia Zlanskywan! Or at least, I think that's how you say it."
Claudia was so happy that she didn't even care that he said her last name wrong. She didn't bother telling him it was "Swanslykan" not "Zlanskywan".
"Why are you all so happy?" demanded Dante. "You know the catch. Before this Claudia can marry me, she must find and bring me something!"
Claudia was bamboozled. She didn't remember ever hearing that rule. "She must bring me... A MIDGET!" he bellowed.
"A midget?" exclaimed Claudia in confusion.
"Yes, a midget," Dante replied. So Claudia set off on her motorcycle in search of a midget.
Oddly enough, she did find a midget, somewhere between Alabama and California. Of course, there was a catch.
"Uh uh. No way," said the midget when Claudia asked him to go with her to Dante.
"Please, little midget! Come with me! I'm desperate!" begged Claudia.
"Tell you what," said the midget. "Ill go with you if you give me your first wedding dress." Claudia thought about it for a moment, then replied, "Deal."
When Claudia and the midget arrived at the town, everyone cheered and wedding bells began to ring.
"I knew you would come through, my dear, dear Claudia," said Dante when she presented him with the midget. So two of Dante's employees, Hannie Shruggs and Vivaniy Tigue, helped Claudia slip into her bright, lime green wedding dress. Of course, she didn't forget her promise to the midget (who was now living in the lounge of "Busy-Business") and gave him the dress.
(Several years later) Claudia and Dante were living very happily together. "My dear Claudia," Dante said one sunny day. "Surely after watching my magical weavers all these years, you have learned how to spin sausage out grass". He didn't wait for her answer. "Of course you have! Anyway, I wish for you to spin me three dozen sausage links!"
Claudia didn't want to disappoint Dante by telling him that she wasn't really paying attention to his weavers, so she agreed. And she knew just who to go to for help.
"Uh uh. No way," the midget replied when Claudia asked for help.
"Well, why not?" she demanded. "Do you even know how to spin sausage out of grass?"
"Of course I do!" the midget answered. "I've been paying attention!" But when he saw the pleading look on Claudia's face, he sighed and said, "Alright, if you can guess my name in one day on three tries, I will spin the sausage. But, you have to guess it first."
A couple minutes later, when Claudia was trying to think of a name, she heard a strange sound and saw a bright light coming from a nearby cave. It was the midget! And he was singing a funny tune!
"Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, isn't that a grand old name? Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, my name will always be the same!"
Claudia's heart was filled with joy! She hurried back to her home to wait for Marplekiltskin the midget to get back.
When the midget arrived back home and found out that Claudia knew his name, he was dumbfounded! But, a promise is a promise, so the midget spent the rest of the day weaving grass into sausage.
So everyone (except Marplekiltskin) lived happily ever after.
THE END
--------------------
On a totally unrelated note, I GOT DRAGON AGE II FOR MAH BIRTHDAY, BEYOTCH! And then, my Xbox died, for good this time. So, we ordered a new one, but when it came, we found out that it doesn't support the hard drive from our old one. RAAAAAAAAAAAEG!!! So now, we have to get a new hard drive AND a transfer cable if we are to have any hope of not losing everything we've worked for over the past four years. I'm not giving up on my level 28 Kajiit Bard so easily.
I'm onto you, Microsoft. I don't know what I'm onto exactly... But I'm onto you.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
And Dr. Dre Said... Nothin' You Idiots, Dr. Dre's Dead, He's Locked In My Basement.
I am going to college in the ghetto. Well, actually, I'm going to college a few blocks away from the ghetto. Close enough, if you ask me.
I've fallen in love with Greensboro College. I want to make babies with it. No lie. I do. You think that's wrong? Well, you're right. It's very wrong. But that doesn't make it any less true. I don't know exactly what it is about this school that has me WANTING to complete my graduation project so that I can get in, but I sure as hell do. Yes, it's the first college I've visited, and I am going to visit many more, but I just know in my Heart of Order that Greensboro College is the one for me.
I'll admit, I was skeptical about it at first. I was a bit concerned that it was too "chummy", if you know what I mean. Too personal. It would require me to actually socialize myself, which is the thing I hate most in this world, other than all the other things I hate most in this world. The teachers know you. The students know you. Hell, even the janitors know you. I'm not shitting you. I saw a janitor give one of the kids a high five. It was creepy. But I liked it. Why am I writing in such short sentences? Stop it. Short sentence make Heather feel like devolved chimp. Shiiiiiiiiiit.
As I was saying, it's within ten blocks of the ghetto. Lee Street, breh! (For those of you who don't live in North Carolina, Lee Street is where the majority of violent crimes in Greensboro occur) I'm sure Nathanael Greene would be delighted to know what a name his town has made for itself. Oh well. He still has Pennsylvania, Georgia, and Alabama. Georgia... what a joke...
To put things in perspective, I should tell you that the college has its own escort service. No, not THAT kind of escort service. I mean the kind where you can actually call, and they send someone to walk you from your car to your dorm. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk...
I'm going to get raped. There's no way I would be able to call an escort service without giggling like a lunatic.
I've fallen in love with Greensboro College. I want to make babies with it. No lie. I do. You think that's wrong? Well, you're right. It's very wrong. But that doesn't make it any less true. I don't know exactly what it is about this school that has me WANTING to complete my graduation project so that I can get in, but I sure as hell do. Yes, it's the first college I've visited, and I am going to visit many more, but I just know in my Heart of Order that Greensboro College is the one for me.
I'll admit, I was skeptical about it at first. I was a bit concerned that it was too "chummy", if you know what I mean. Too personal. It would require me to actually socialize myself, which is the thing I hate most in this world, other than all the other things I hate most in this world. The teachers know you. The students know you. Hell, even the janitors know you. I'm not shitting you. I saw a janitor give one of the kids a high five. It was creepy. But I liked it. Why am I writing in such short sentences? Stop it. Short sentence make Heather feel like devolved chimp. Shiiiiiiiiiit.
As I was saying, it's within ten blocks of the ghetto. Lee Street, breh! (For those of you who don't live in North Carolina, Lee Street is where the majority of violent crimes in Greensboro occur) I'm sure Nathanael Greene would be delighted to know what a name his town has made for itself. Oh well. He still has Pennsylvania, Georgia, and Alabama. Georgia... what a joke...
To put things in perspective, I should tell you that the college has its own escort service. No, not THAT kind of escort service. I mean the kind where you can actually call, and they send someone to walk you from your car to your dorm. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk...
I'm going to get raped. There's no way I would be able to call an escort service without giggling like a lunatic.
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